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Worthless as tits on a boar

Raining like pouring piss out of a boot.

Ain't smart enough to come in out of the rain.

Ain't smart enough to pour piss out of a boot even if the directions were on the heel.

(been told this to my face many times) Windier that a sack full of a$$holes

(been told this to my face many times) Windy enough to blow up an onion sack til it pops

Tougher than woodpecker lips

Tighter than dick's hatband

Tighter than a gnat's ass stretched around a rainbarrel

Gooder than snuff and not half so dusty (response when asked how you're doing)

(another response when asked how I'm doing) Doing so damn good, I gotta sit on my hands to keep from clapping

(another response when asked how I'm doing) Ifn I was any better, I'd hafta be twins.

He/SHe's so dang fat, ifn she jumped into the air, she'd get stuck.

I'd like to buy you for what you're worth and sell you for what you THINK you're worth.

(usually body odor) Could knock a buzzard off a gut wagon.

Slicker that a gut

Slicker that owl sh!t

Harder'n a forty dollar crow bar

Meaner'n a snake

…I could go on for days; I pretty well speak in metaphors and insults as I like to see/make people laugh.


for folklore (planting turnips), Plant the 10th of July wet or dry; pick 'em the 10th of October drunk or sober.

1,788 Posts
If brains was gas, you wouldn't have enough to propel a piss-ant's skateboard around the inside of a cheerio.

If brain's was dynamite, you couldn't blow your nose.

You need to have a piece of plexiglass installed in your stomach...that way you can still see with your head so far up your ….

Your brain in a thimble would be like a BB in a freight car.

I WAS going to be a liberal for Halloween, but my chiropractor couldn't get me limber enough to stick my head up my ….

My favorite one to young children goes like this:
ME: How old are you?
Him/her : Ten
ME: You kids have it too dang easy these days, by the time I was YOUR age, I was already twelve.
You get some PRICELESS looks out of the kids that get it.

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