Worthless as tits on a boar
Raining like pouring piss out of a boot.
Ain't smart enough to come in out of the rain.
Ain't smart enough to pour piss out of a boot even if the directions were on the heel.
(been told this to my face many times) Windier that a sack full of a$$holes
(been told this to my face many times) Windy enough to blow up an onion sack til it pops
Tougher than woodpecker lips
Tighter than dick's hatband
Tighter than a gnat's ass stretched around a rainbarrel
Gooder than snuff and not half so dusty (response when asked how you're doing)
(another response when asked how I'm doing) Doing so damn good, I gotta sit on my hands to keep from clapping
(another response when asked how I'm doing) Ifn I was any better, I'd hafta be twins.
He/SHe's so dang fat, ifn she jumped into the air, she'd get stuck.
I'd like to buy you for what you're worth and sell you for what you THINK you're worth.
(usually body odor) Could knock a buzzard off a gut wagon.
Slicker that a gut
Slicker that owl sh!t
Harder'n a forty dollar crow bar
Meaner'n a snake
…I could go on for days; I pretty well speak in metaphors and insults as I like to see/make people laugh.
Mark
for folklore (planting turnips), Plant the 10th of July wet or dry; pick 'em the 10th of October drunk or sober.
